


Hold Me Like It's the End of the World (Because to Me It Is)

by OllieDeclan



Series: I Will Follow You Until the End of Time [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aromantic Asexual Kageyama Tobio, Aromantic Kageyama Tobio, Bisexual Hinata Shouyou, Cuddling & Snuggling, Deaf Character, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Acephobia, Other, Trans Kageyama Tobio, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-08-24 21:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16648538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OllieDeclan/pseuds/OllieDeclan
Summary: Kageyama loves Hinata.But not in the way everyone else does.And he's coming to terms with the fact that he's most likely broken, all while trying to keep his identity and love for Hinata secret.And Hinata? Well, he loves Kageyama too, and he's doing everything in his power to look after their blossoming relationship and the boy who has shown him what it means for home to be a person.





	1. In his own mind, Kageyama is broken

**Author's Note:**

> Little note:
> 
> Kageyama is aroace.  
> This fic is centred around him becoming extremely close to Hinata and traversing those feelings. Oisuga and Tsukiyama are side relationships to the central plot. 
> 
> This fic also takes place within an AU of mine more expanded upon in my Oisuga fanfic (Home Found). Suga and Yamaguchi are different forms of deaf, and Tsukishima is a selective mute. 
> 
> Most of the things from Home Found are irrelevant to this story but they are still important to bring up.
> 
> I'm also currently looking for betas for this story as well as my Oisuga work.

Kageyama Tobio was never one for affection of any type - his parents had never given him the time when he was young, and being alone became second nature - but his best friend was the exact opposite. He clung to Kageyama like a leech, no matter where they were. 

The first time Kageyama slept over at Hinata’s house, he’d been horrified to find that he only had one futon. Yeah sure, it was large enough to comfortably fit the two of them, but Kageyama knew that his friend was an affectionate person in his sleep, more so than when he was awake.  
It wasn’t something that he was dreading, but it didn’t leave him jumping for joy either.

Later that night, Kageyama watched Hinata sleep next to him. A puddle of drool had formed under his mouth, and he snored ever so lightly. He lifted his own hands and looked, watching them shake uncontrollably. Being with Hinata generally caused Kageyama immense levels of anxiety.  
It was because Kageyama cared too much about the Sun. He cared too much about how Hinata smiled and how he had wormed his way into Kageyama’s life despite him being so passive aggressive and at times rude.

But there was an additional factor that had Kageyama’s hands shaking. It was Hinata’s pride to tell everyone about his bisexuality - and that scared Kageyama. He didn’t want that, wanted that with no one, really. And he was concerned that if he let this happen that Hinata would suspect something. He didn’t want this - whatever it was - between them to change in the slightest. 

He wasn’t ready to tell anyone anything.

Eventually, Kageyama slept. Let the smaller boy curl around him and press his nose between Kageyama’s shoulder blades. His arm lazily thrown over Kageyama’s waist. The both of them slept like this in peace, the moonlight shining through and casting a dull glow over them.  
He only woke when the boy behind him stirred, letting out a soft groan and sitting up. He felt Hinata’s feather-light hand coarse through his hair. Kageyama kept his eyes closed, not moving, not letting Hinata know that he was awake. 

He didn't want to admit that he was broken. That he’d never fallen in love with anyone and he didn’t think he had the capacity to. He had spent so many nights crying, arms around himself, wishing that he was normal. Wishing that he could just fall in love. He didn’t want to lose Hinata, so he stepped on eggshells about his romantic life and changing with the rest of the team.  
Kageyama did this for himself, but also for Hinata’s sake too.

He hoped and prayed that his shirt was loose enough, his packer still in the right spot. He certainly wasn’t ready to tell anyone that he was trans, not even his best friend. His parents knew, but they have never cared for him, so he was just met with noncommittal smiles and a lack of involvement in his transition. He’d gone under the radar about approaching his teachers and the principal, had his name changed on the roll, had everything done so that he wouldn’t draw any attention to himself.

He knew, logically, that he’d come up against people that knew him in junior high in his quest to nationals, but that was a lie that he could easily cover up. Especially when they’d all been accepted into elite schools who wouldn’t dare touch him with a barge pole.

“Kageyama-kun, it’s time to get up,” said Hinata after a few minutes. He mumbled something else into Kageyama’s shoulder blades too, but Kageyama didn’t pry.  
“I’m awake,” he replied. He sat up and looked at Hinata with tired eyes and tired a smile. It was so domestic, seeing Hinata sleepy and covered in drool underneath the covers. It was a side of Hinata that Kageyama craved more of. He thought that if he could attach himself to this, maybe he’d fall in love.

They said nothing.

______________________

This kept happening. Kageyama would go over to Hinata’s house, he’d apologize about the single futon, Kageyama would say it was nothing, and they’d end up in the same position. They never talked about it - Kageyama had started to complain about the drool left all on his back, however - but they never acknowledged it.  
Until the week before their first training camp.  
“Hey, Kageyama-kun. Can I talk to you? After practice, I mean!”  
He was too excited, Kageyama felt his breath catch in his throat. He nodded.

“Do you want meat buns? I have money!” Hinata chirped, way too loud for Kageyama’s shaking hands and muffled ears to comprehend. He nodded again, holding the elder's bag as he went to get the two of them meat buns from the store down the hill of the school.  
“What did you want to talk about?” Kageyama asked.  
“Oh,” Hinata said with his mouth full, “it’s… about you sleeping over.”  
Kageyama felt his heart start beating faster and faster in his chest. He didn’t want Hinata to bring that up, didn’t want him to say anything.  
“Nothing bad!” Hinata yelped when he saw the dread on Kageyama’s face. “It’s… good? You know about my bisexuality and all and I thought that you being fine with sharing a bed and cuddling was a reciprocation of feelings? I dunno, it’s stupid.”  
He got no answer.  
“I understand if you’re not interested! If you’re straight that’s cool I won’t bo-”  
“I… don’t love people like that.” Kageyama regretted saying it as soon as the words came out. He stared at Hinata, waiting for him to laugh or call him out or something but it never came. Hinata’s gaze on him just softened.  
“As long as we’re friends, that’s all that matters to me.”  
“Me too,” relief cloaked him, warm and loving, “but do you like me?”  
“I,” Hinata looked away, “I think so. But I don’t know. I’ve never liked anyone before, not like this at least.”  
The silence was peaceful, for a while, but it made Kageyama’s stomach churn.  
“Hey, can I ask you something?”  
“Sure!”  
“Do you even know what reciprocation means?”  
“Of course I do! I’m not as much of a dumbass as you think.”  
"Are you sure?"  
That earnt Kageyama a slap.  
Everything went back to normal.


	2. This Reminds Me of What I Can't Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - also this chapter is not the best thing I've ever written but I hope it's still alright.

Training camp rolled around, and Kageyama was extremely nervous. This was his first time ever spending an extended period with his team, and it was terrifying. Walking into their dorm for the next few days was the first scary thing. It stunk like testosterone and something else that Kageyama really didn't want to think about, so he squeezed his futon into a nook in the room so that he could hide away. It was a reminder that Kageyama was different in so many ways, an outsider looking in. This was all a reminder of what Kageyama wanted but couldn't have. 

Meeting the other teams, particularly Nekoma, was the second scary thing. Their captain reeked of masculinity, and it made Kageyama want to leave as quickly as possible. He found himself looking down at his own body and subconsciously rubbing the tops of his legs as if it would make him feel less feminine. And it wasn't even Kuroo that was the scariest, it was their setter. He stared Kageyama down the whole time they played, though it wasn't malicious. It was pure curiosity that drove his stare. Every time he caught him staring, he gulped thickly, wondering just how much the other setter had already worked out about him.

"Kageyama," Hinata whispered, "look at Fukurodani's #4. He looks like he could crush me."  
"That's because he could," Kageyama shot back.Hinata lets out some strangled gargle of annoyance in response, and Kageyama zones out before he can hear him start up again. It makes him so uncomfortable, this thought of Hinata's type, that he almost tries to start a conversation with Bokuto about how his muscles got so prominent.

Later, when Kageyama was curled up to Hinata's chest, he wondered why Hinata even liked him anyways. He had some muscles, yes, but he still had puppy fat on his hips and stomach and was closer to Tsukishima's body type than Bokuto's. He knew so well how every little piece of his body moved, hyperaware of where fabric touched his skin. And his lack of social ability had to be annoying, but it was like Hinata didn't care. Didn't care that he hadn't properly been able to talk until he was ten. Didn't care that there was so little about Kageyama that referenced having a childhood.

So he dug in impossibly deeper, making sure that Hinata was asleep, before he began to cry. He cried because he was scared of losing everything that he had. Hinata first of all, but the entire rest of the team if they found out that he wasn't born a boy. He cried because he was worried that he was broken beyond repair. That he was keeping Hinata stuck to him without feeling the things that he should feel. He'd always been like this - weight on other people's shoulders. He had always gotten in the way of other people's happiness. His parents told him that he ruined everything for him. The kids in his old schools told him he was so ugly they wanted to cry. Even his team in middle school had turned away from him. Every part of him screamed when he heard them say it, like fingernails digging into his every pore, a full body hurt that left him feeling so horrible, like death would feel better than this. He recalled nights where all of that noise inside his head came out as yelling and punches into his punching bag until his knuckles bled. Willing himself to forget about everything and only focus on the warm that trailed down his forearms and clung to his fingertips. And he recalled nights where he curled up around himself, wishing he had someone to love him.

He cried until he couldn't anymore, and mumbled an apology into Hinata's now drenched shirt. Hurriedly, he grabbed a jacket and a beanie before slipping into the corridor. Kageyama was grateful that mostly everyone had already fallen asleep, leaving him alone in the hallway. He wiped the last remaining tears from his eyes and set off to find somewhere to hide.

He sat down in between the vending machines at the end of the hallway, leaning into their hum and pulling his knees up to his chin. A teacher walked past, but he was hidden by the shadows falling on his body, grateful that he'd spent so long as a kid hiding in places like this. He tried to shake away the images of older boys pulling him out from between the bins at lunch and beating him black and blue, but the ghosts of their unforgiving fingertips burnt his skin.

Someone walked past him to use the vending machine, humming a tune as they paid. Kageyama fell silent, as quiet as he could.   
"I know you're there, Kageyama," they chuckled, grabbing their drink and sitting down against the front of the vending machine. "I'm not going to pry about why you're squeezed in there, but as your vice-captain, I'm here anyway."  
"Thanks, Suga-senpai," Kageyama murmured, scooting towards the entrance so he could make out Suga's entire body while still hidden away in the gap.  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
"I... I don't know."  
"Is it to do with Hinata-kun?"  
"I suppose, yes."Suga went quiet for a while. It made Kageyama extremely nervous.   
"I mean, to me, it looks like he loves you. He's definitely past the crush stage if that's what you're worried about."  
"I know he is, and that's what scares me."   
They fall silent as someone from one of the other schools walked past. Kageyama doesn't miss the way Suga watched him until he turned the corner or the semi-loud swallow that got stuck halfway down his throat.

"It's okay to be afraid of love, Kageyama," Suga whispered, reaching out to rest his hand on Kageyama's knee, "it's always okay to be afraid of love."  
They made eye contact, Kageyama searching for something in Suga's eyes. Something that told him that he would turn around and laugh or make a joke.   
"I've never... loved anyone. Before Hinata." Suga gave a hum in response, rubbing small circles onto Kageyama's knee. He was hyper-aware of just how feminine his thighs looked, hoping that Suga wouldn't notice. "But it's not like what everyone makes it out to be. It's like... I care about you. And it's like that, but more."  
"Like best friends?"  
"I don't know. I think it's different."

Neither of them talks for a while, Suga's hand still on Kageyama's knee.  
"I feel broken," Kageyama starts, "like I should love him like he loves me. But I can't. I feel so heartless."  
"You aren't heartless. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here right now. It's okay, Kageyama."  
"It's not!" he snaps. "I'm leading Hinata on, making myself out to be someone who loves him now, can love him in the future."  
"Have you told him?"  
"Kind of, I told him that I don't love people like he does. I don't think he understood though."  
"Sometimes, we don't need to fully understand to be accepting. Hinata is that kind of person. He will love you no matter what, Kageyama."  
"Do you mean that?"  
"I don't say things I don't mean, Kageyama."  
"Thank you."  
"Anytime."

This time, silence envelops them like a warm blanket. Sugawara, Kageyama learns, has very gentle hands. They sit against the vending machine for a while as Suga braids Kageyama's hair and then undoes it again. When they walk back to their room, Suga sends him a smile as Hinata tugs him down.

Kageyama doesn't sleep much that night, cuddling a sleeping Hinata against his chest like he's so afraid to when they're both awake, and it's nice. Hinata kneads his hands into his sides where his binder usually is, massaging away the knots that have built up there. Hinata's face is squished up as close as it can get to his chest, and for once in his life, he doesn't mind it.Usually, people touching his chest makes him squirm, but now, with the smaller boy's face dug in, he doesn't care. If anything, he feels happy.

He wakes to the familiar senses of Hinata spooning him; the hot breathing on his neck, the drool on his shirt, and the warmth of the sun curled around him. He can hear the older talking to Nishinoya, giggling against his neck, but he's muted. Speaking in quiet tones so that he doesn't wake him up. Hinata is kneading a hand into his hip subconsciously, thumb catching on the waistband of his shorts but never daring to go under it.  
His hand grabs Hinata's, giving it a squeeze.  
"Morning, 'Yama." Hinata grins.  
"Hey. What time is it?"  
"7:30," Nishinoya chirps from somewhere above his head. 

He lets out a low grunt of acknowledgement, willing himself to go back to sleep. He's tired and sore and knows that now that he's awake, Hinata will want to get up. He protests Hinata peeling away, protests the cold that envelops him. He still doesn't open his eyes, searching around for Hinata with his arms outstretched. Some part of him knows why he hates leaving Hinata's embrace in the morning - because the cold and the abandon is far too familiar. But he won't tell Hinata that.

So he forces himself to get up, following Hinata's radiant energy into the bathrooms to get ready for the day.


End file.
